Archive for September, 2004

tasteless jokes

Here’s a few tasteless jokes I’ve seen/heard around… most of which I’ve already told my friends, but I find them amusing anyway, so here goes:

Q: Why do women have legs?
A: Ever seen the mess a slug makes?

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So when you pull their tits, they won’t shit on you

Q: What’s blue and doesn’t fit?
A: A dead epileptic

Q: What’s the difference between circumcision and crucifixion?
A: In crucifixion, they throw out the whole jew.

Q: Have you heard about the new German microwave oven?
A: It seats 500.

Q: What’s the definition of making love?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her

Q: What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas?
A: Leukemia.

Q: Why couldn’t Hellen Keller drive?
A: Because she was female!

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: What does a toilet and a woman have in common?
A: Without the hole in the middle they aren’t worth shit.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So we’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: What’s a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done

Q: Who designed the female genitals?
A: The city council. Who else would put a playground right next door to a sewer?

Burnout 3 review :)

Since my friend left his PS2 over at our house to have fun with, I took it upon myself to go out and buy a game worth playing. I found Burnout 3 on gamespot.com and saw that it had a 9.6 rating and an editor’s choice award. I figure being rated that highly, it might be a decent game. Gamespot absolutely went apeshit over the game (as evidenced by the rating) and stated that even if racing games are not your thing, the game is worth owning. Well, so I take my chances and buy the game from Wal-Mart hoping that it’s going to be good. I get the game home, take it out of the packaging, put it in, fire it up, and promptly shit my pants at the graphics. I haven’t seen more than 1 or two other games for the PS2 that take advantage of its capabilities quite like this game does. Motion blur, lights, sparks, damage, the sense of speed it provides. Just plain WOW. Obviously there’s still the inherent fuzziness of the textures that all PS2 games seem to have. I do believe that a better TV and perhaps an S-video cable would help that out a little bit. Our TV is a Philips/Magnavox 27″ from Wal-Mart or somewhere similar. Needless to say, even on a shit TV, the game is gorgeous. However, great graphics don’t necessarily mean a great game. The gameplay is actually really good, but has some major flaws which I’ll get to later.
There are quite a few gameplay modes, both single player and multiplayer.. multiplayer can either be played locally or over a broadband connection online. As of yet, I’ve not played any of the multiplayer modes. I’m still playing through the single player mode as of right now and enjoying it quite a bit. The most simple mode is just “race” mode, where you race against 5 opponents and try to win by any means necessary. The fact that you can ram them and plow them off the road and gain bonus points makes it even more fun. By ramming opponents in various ways you gain “boost” and when you score a “takedown” meaning you make them wreck into various objects (cars, trucks, buses, walls, bridge stanchions, concrete barriers, guard rails, etc) , your boost meter fills completely. When you score multiple takedowns, your boost meter grows in size such that it can hold more boost (up to a maximum of 4x original size). Finishing in to top 3 nets you a gold, silver or bronze medal to add to your collection and in many cases unlocks further races.
The next mode is road rage mode, which is probably one of the most fun on the game. It’s laid out like a race, but instead of laps you’re given a time limit. During this time limit, you’re given a goal of how many “takedowns” you need to score to get a given medal. Basically, it’s a no-holds-barred demolition derby where your entire purpose is to run as many cars off the road during the time limit as possible. There is one catch, however, and that is that your car suffers damage from crashing as well and at some point will explode, ending the round even if time has not expired. The fun part is that you can get what are called “signature takedowns” that give you bonus points. Basically they’re extra-special takedowns that go beyond the normal smash them into a wall variant of takedown. As of now, I’ve only scored two of them; gone fishin, where you ram them OVER the guard rail, down the hill and into the lake… and Pillar driller where you smash them into a concrete pillar holding up a bridge. Lots of fun. These aren’t just limited to road rage mode and you can score them in any mode that includes opponents. Fun shit for sure!
Then we have my person favorite stress-reliever mode called “crash”, which is quite simple. Take your car and plow it into cross traffic or oncoming traffic (depending on the level) and try to do as much damage as possible. Damage is tallied up at the end of your “run” in dollars along with any bonuses or multipliers you catch along the way. Each level has a “goal” dollar amount to reach either gold, silver, or bronze. Generally speaking, in order to get a gold medal, you have to take out quite a few cars along with hitting any bonuses along the way. I’ve come across a couple levels that have a 2x multiplier that you absolutely MUST hit to get a gold medal. Needless to say, crash mode is a short, sweet and simple way to blow off some stress by blowing shit up. The crashes are nothing less than spetacular… and with the new “crashbreaker” feature, it makes things even more interesting. Basically after a certain number of vehicles are taken out, it lets you blow up your own car to cause even more damage (by pressing R2 when crashbreaker displays on the screen). Burnout has also added the ability to go into slow-mo and control your car during a crash by holding the R1 button and using the left analog joystick to “steer” your car while you’re crashing. This basically allows you to direct the carnage where you wish. It can make for some incredibly spectacular crashes, that’s for sure. Barrelling a car @ 100mph into cross traffic, plowing into a tanker truck, exploding, flipping through the air and landing amongst about 10 buses parked in an alcove, then exploding your car amongst the buses makes for some insane carnage. Talk about fun!
Other random stuff from the game…. You unlock cars not only by winning races, but also by tallying a certain number of gold medals, by winning races 1-on-1 against your rivals, scoring certain numbers of overall takedowns, scoring a certain amount of points/dollars in crash mode overall, and scoring a certain number of “burnout points” (equivalent to style points in other racing games). There are an absolute ton of cars in the game, but none of them have real names. The “face off” races are ridiculously hard… basically they’re you vs a rival 1-on-1 in a point to point race and if you beat him, you get his car. The problem is that you can knock him off the road like 97 times throughout the course of a race and he’ll always manage to be right on your ass the whole time. There’s also a time attack, but only in single event mode. All others are available in world tour mode, which spans 3 areas: USA, Europe, Far East. I’m about 75% complete with USA as we speak.. I’ll report more back as I get farther along in the game. Overall I give it a 9 out of 10.

XTC Radio

I listen to a lot of streaming internet radio instead of my own collection of mp3’s… and lately I’ve been really enjoying this one radio station, xtc radio. It’s exclusively trance, but it’s 160kbps and they play nothing but DJ sets. I am, needless to say, quite impressed. If you like techno at all, I’d highly suggest checking it out. Excellent quality and excellent selection of DJ mixes.

fun fun :P

Sam decided to come over tonight, we went to Kroger and got some Smirnoff Raspberry and Smirnoff Green Apple twist malt beverages… They’re really good, but I can’t drink a whole lot of them because they make me sick eventually. Needless to say we’re gonna get drunk and be goofy tonight since we’re both off…. more to come later. :P

invaluable tool for web designers

I found this page forever ago and keep forgetting to post about it… It’s basically a color code generator written in PHP. It does RGB and HEX along with color names. On top of that, it has a neat block of colors that you can hover over to see and click on to lock in so you can read the HEX & RGB values of said color. The site has some other interesting php, css, javascript, perl tutorials to read. I have to say I’ve used the page quite a bit in tweaking the css of this blog itself. Color cube, hex, rgb code generator. Also here’s a really nice CSS tutorial for you aspiring web developers out there. :)

gmail

Joy… I got a gmail account finally. I don’t really have that much use for one, but it’s just a novel idea. 1gb of email storage. I don’t really do all that much emailing, to be perfectly honest, but I figure it’s a good place to dump all those emails I get from the forums I visit saying there’s a reply to my topics and such. I’m still going to use my comcast email for any important stuff as I can access it on my Treo, which is a plus. I just wish Comcast would support IMAP. :( I don’t know of any ISP’s that offer IMAP email service, mostly because of the amount of server space required to do so. From my understanding EVERYTHING is stored on the server with IMAP, whereas with POP it’s deleted off the server when you check your mail unless you specify otherwise in your mail client.

Bash

OK, enough of the rants and raves for now.. I found something horribly amusing. It’s a site that basically collects quotes from IRC and other chat mediums (mostly IRC) and puts them in a database. The quotes are submitted by users, then approved, then rated (given a + or -) by site visitors. Needless to say, some of the quotes are so funny that I’ve literally busted out laughing at work. Great site, especially when you’re bored. bash.org. Check it out and prepare to be amused. :)

keeping up with the Joneses

For anyone that doesn’t know, the phrase means basically keeping up with your neighbors. As you can already guess, it’s one of my pet peeves… Obviously, it can be taken a couple of different ways and either way you look at it, it’s ridiculous. First you have the people that are always in everyone else’s business. I cannot stand that… If I’m on the phone, what concern is it of anyone else’s who I’m talking to? I don’t go around asking my friends who they’re talking to when they’re on the phone with other people and I expect the same courtesy. If I wanted you to know, I’d tell you who I was on the phone with. Seriously, I’m having a private personal conversation with someone.. a conversation that does not concern you in the least, and you decide to butt in and ask me who I’m talking to, where they’re from and 20 other questions about something that isn’t even your business? How about not? Same thing goes for if I go somewhere… If I want everyone (or anyone) to know where it is that I’m going, I will tell them. If I don’t tell a person, that means I don’t feel as though it’s any of their concern. Everyone is on a need-to-know basis with me.. If you need to know, I’ll tell you. There’s a difference between asking your friend what he did this weekend and being nosey and asking them questions about their personal business that is none of your concern. The latter is what I have issue with. People these days seem so damned nosey it’s not even funny. As if not knowing the ins and outs of my personal life will negatively impact you in some manner. Worry about yourself and leave me the fuck alone. That’s the way I see it.

Now, the other side to “keeping up with the joneses” is people who always have to be better than their neighbors/friends/relatives/what-have-you. THESE people are just pathetic. Your friend buys a new car and all of a sudden you feel inadequate and have to go out and buy a car that “tops” what your friend just bought, for example. Like life is some sort of competition to have the most/nicest/best “stuff”. My best friend just bought a badass laptop, and though I think his laptop is cool, I’m not the least bit jealous nor did his purchase make me feel any lower on the totem pole than him. I know some people who just go absolutely nuts when someone else has something better than them. Drives them nuts to a point where they will actually buy something that they can’t afford (with a credit card) just so they can have something equivalent or better than what the other person just bought. If I buy something really really expensive, it’s not to show off or to make other people envy me. It’s because it’s something I want and something I feel will benefit me somehow. I bought a $425 cellphone… not to show off or so that people would be like “omg, he has a nicer phone than me”. I bought it because I had the money and wanted the additional functionality that the Treo600 offers. I upgraded my computer not because mine was slower than some of my friends’ computers. I did it because it was too slow for my tastes and I was short on RAM. I don’t bother comparing myself to other people. It does absolutely no good. There’s always going to be someone out there that has a nicer phone, nicer car, nicer house, better job, hotter girlfriend, and more money than you. If you live your life comparing yourself to other people, you’re always going to feel inadequate and be unhappy. I know I might come across as the most self-centered sonofabitch on earth, but that’s just how I am. I don’t care what you have, who you’re fucking, where you’ve been, or where you’re going. While I might think your stuff is cool, your girlfriend is hot, and think that it’s cool that you’ve travelled around the world, I don’t envy you. I’m not jealous of you. I know in some warped, twisted way it feels “good” to be envied or something, you won’t be getting it from me. I guess I’m weird… I don’t get off on being the center of attention, being envied, or even being “wanted” by other people. Because, when it comes down to it, I’ll die alone, I’m gone, my shit stays here. I’ll die happy knowing that I’ve done the best I could with what I had, and that’s a lot more than can be said for a lot of people I know.

Needy people suck

To be blunt, people who are overly needy annoy the shit out of me…. First, you have girls who “need” a boyfriend or “need” someone in their lives all the time to make their life “complete” or some such bullshit. I hate to break it to you, but you shouldn’t need another person in your life to be completely happy. If you’re basing your happiness on other people, then you’re never going to be happy. Perhaps you should try making yourself happy to start with? I mean, I could never in a million years be with someone who wasn’t already happy with themself and their life before I came into it. Girls like this amuse me because they act as if they’re so lost if they’re single for any appreciable amount of time… as if their life is over when their boyfriend breaks up with them or whatever. In most cases, the dumb bitch will stay with her piece of shit loser drug-addicted boyfriend who beats the shit out of her just because she thinks the alternative (being “alone”) is far more horrible and dealing with the bullshit is worth at least having someone around. Then again, I think subconsciously it’s another way for them to get attention and pity. Because everyone pities the girl whose boyfriend treats her like shit and beats her. And that brings me to another pet peeve on the same sort of subject… I hate people who “need” attention all the time. Guys and girls are both guilty of this, but in different ways. Girls are the most annoying about it, though. I know girls who literally go apeshit if they’re not the center of attention all the time. If she comes into contact with another female who she determines is “threatening”, the insults start.. “oh, she’s so trashy”… “that outfit looks horrible”, “her hair looks like shit”.. “she looks like a skank” and so on. Then they go and compliment a horribly ugly bitch saying that she’s “pretty” when we all know damn good and well the only reason she feels like she can compliment them is because she doesn’t view the other girl(s) as a “threat” to her “territory”. They get needy when they’re already in a relationship as well… God forbid your fucking boyfriend wants to spend a couple of days away from you! It’s not the end of the world, ya know. Trust me, sometimes we just want a couple of days to ourselves to sit back, play video games with the guys, get drunk, and do whatever.. none of which includes getting our dicks sucked by another girl. If we do cheat on you, you probably deserved it. Girls do some of the most asinine shit to get attention, too. I’ve known of girls claiming they’re bi and even going so far as hitting on other girls just so that people will notice her and pay attention to her. As a matter of fact, I recall being told a story about a particular female who went to meet a guy and ended up spending most of the night hitting on his sister and claiming she was bi (when she most definitely is not). To an extent her little ploy worked until the guy figured out that she was only hitting on his sister so that he would get all frustrated and try harder to get her attention. In doing so, she gets what she wants.. EVERYONE’S attention. The girl, becuase she’s hitting on her, and the guy’s because she’s ignoring him and hitting on a chick (and we know how most guys fantasize about 2 girls). But seriously, it’s just fucking pathetic when people base their entire self-worth on how much attention they get from other people and on what other people’s opinions of them are. That’s the one big pet peeve I have about girls… the simple fact that most of them are overly jealous and competitive with other women. To get pissy over something as fucking stupid as another girl getting more attention than you and/or possibly being better-looking than you is every bit as childish as me getting pissy because someone has a nicer car. When I meet a girl who doesn’t fall into the aforementioned categories, then that’s a girl I might consider dating provided she doesn’t annoy me in other ways.

OK, in all fairness, guys get needy for attention too. How else would one explain the expensive flashy clothes, nice car, expensive haircut, tattoos, jewelry, etc. We do it because we want attention from women. We don’t really give a shit about what other guys think or whether or not they envy us (although it’s nice if they do). Girls seem to do all their attention-grabbing things to grab the attention of other women and make them jealous. Girls don’t dress up to go out to attract all the guys’ attention. They do it so that they can look better than the other girls there. 90% of what guys do revolves around getting pussy. The only thing I can think of that revolves around having other guys envy us is dating a hot girl. If guys really stopped to think about how little other people care what their girlfriend looks like, then they’d be dating a lot more chubby chicks with great personalities who can actually hold down a conversation and not annoy the shit out of you. I have another tangent rant, but I’ll save that for later.. that is all for now.

Random quotes

If you haven’t noticed yet, on the left hand side I added a random quote generator. As of right now, I have about 100 quotes in the database and I’m sure I’ll be adding more later. Also, last night I got drunk as fuck. I haven’t drank in awhile so it was pretty cool to get shitfaced. I went out with Steve to the new club he works at and had a couple drinks there, then came home and did shots of vodka. So at one point last night, I decided to go out to Phil’s car and get the 12 pack of Sierra Mist that we keep forgetting to bring in. In the process of putting Phil’s keys back in his room and backing out to close the door, I fell and busted my ass. I had to lay there in the floor for a minute or two just because I was laughing so fucking hard. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever completely just fallen and busted my ass while I was drunk. I normally don’t get that uncoordinated and I have absolutely no clue why I fell. I wasn’t even THAT drunk at the time I fell. Oh well.. needless to say, I had fun.