The Cynic Says……

I saw this on a forum and found it so amusing and true.

HER VERSION vs HIS VERSION

HER STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn’t say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the color. Maybe I should never wear this color again either.

The conversation was so slow going, so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. He didn’t really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet, little restaurant, and he’s STILL acting a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it’s me or something else.

He doesn’t smile much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you know I’m not really sure. I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I’m a fat hog now.

Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but doesn’t squeeze. I don’t know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know he doesn’t say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and I’m wondering if he’s going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it, but he just switches on the TV.

Reluctantly, I say I’m going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seems really, really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I just don’t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else?

HIS STORY:

Bad day at work. Really tired. Got laid, though.

I’m assuming that it’s relating to a man and woman that are dating, not married… Needless to say, it’s completely true. Girls look at absolutely everything and think it all means something when 99% of the time it doesn’t. We have a shitty day at work and we’re tired, it’s no big deal and not even worth discussing. We might be a little detatched and not talking much but it has absolutely nothing to do with you even though you may think our body language is saying that you’ve done something wrong. Guys are pretty simple for the most part. Girls tend to analyze everything to the bitter end and think that everything means something. Just because we’re not in a good mood and not very talkative and loving today doesn’t mean we hate your guts and have found someone else more interesting. Now, if you keep hounding us about it and whining and crying, asking what’s wrong and all that horseshit, that will just irritate us even more and give us a reason to find someone more interesting. Ask a guy how is day went, you’ll probably get one of two answers: “good” or “bad” (in some form). Ask a girl how her day went and you’re in for a 45 minute discussion with an introduction and summary, along with some gossip about other women at work along the way. Ask a guy what he did today (his day off), you’ll be lucky if you get as much as a “Went out and ate, did some other stuff, came home, napped, ate, watched TV, got online, then went to bed”. That’s about the extent of the discussion.
Ask a girl the same and here’s what’s likely to be included in her “synopsis” of her day: where she ate, how she got there, where she went shopping, what she was looking for, what she found, what she didn’t find, what she found that she didn’t WANT to see, who she saw, who she wanted to see but didn’t, the cute guy at the jewelry store that was eyeballing her, how bad the traffic was on the trip both to and from, how tired she was when she got home, why she was so tired (usually followed by bitching about picking the wrong shoes), how messy the house was when she got home, how the phone wouldn’t stop ringing when she got home, who she talked to, what they talked about, what she ate when she got home, how she think she ate too much, the mandatory “am I fat” question, whether or not she watched TV, what she watched if she did watch TV, the entire plotlines of every show she watched, and what time she plans on going to bed (if you’re not asking her the next day about the day before)… All of the while, I’m pretending to give a shit about anything you’re saying when all I really wanted to hear was “pretty good.. ate, shopped, came home, relaxed”. If we want more details, we’ll ask. So when will girls ever figure out that we don’t really give a shit about all the petty details that mean nothing? Probably never. Generally speaking, it’s best to start with as little details as possible… like so:
(girl looks obviously upset)
Guy: What’s wrong?
Girl: Just a little sad
Guy: Why?
Girl: My boss is an asshole!
Guy: That sucks… hopefully you’ll work shit out… so uh, wanna go get drunk with me tonight?

That’s a perfect discussion. No unnecessary details! Anyway, I’m done ranting for now… that joke just kinda brought all that up.

If anyone out there reading this has never heard of Bill Hicks, you’re seriously missing out on one of the greatest comics to have ever lived. Even though he died in 1994 of pancreatic cancer, his comedy is still relevant to this day. Amusingly, many of his jokes are about the president, war in Iraq, invading other countries, corporate America, drugs, alcohol, smoking, religion, etc. All are pretty much timeless issues that are still relevant now. Anyone who’s republican, right-wing, or very religious WILL be offended by his dark, no-holds-barred humor, but that’s just tough shit. I personally find him incredibly amusing and for the most part dead-on in his observations of the world around him. I have all of his stuff minus (I think) one CD and would say that “Rant in E-Minor” to be the best of the bunch. It was recorded not long before he died and is probably his darkest, pessimistic and utterly brutal humor. Even though it was recorded shortly before he died, it was actually released AFTER he died, as were most of his other CD’s. The only two that got released before he died were “Dangerous” and “Relentless”, both in 1990. At any rate, I think he’s one of those comedians that everyone should give a listen to at some point, simply because of the eye-opening quality that his views on the world around us have. Much of what he said, I agree with, regardless of how un-popular they were (and certainly still are). He was a heavy drinker, a heavy smoker, and experimented with many psychedelic drugs. I guess that’s part of why I find his comedy so amazing… he was basically a normal human being who just didn’t give a shit what anyone else thought. He wasn’t even really THAT vulgar… nowhere near as bad as Andrew Dice Clay or even Dennis Leary. He was just brutally honest and would make jokes about anyone and everyone imagineable. Nobody was exempt from being the butt of a Bill Hicks joke. The president, the pope, athletes, Jay Leno, rock bands, people in the crowd… didn’t matter. We need more comedians like him.

I was browsing allmusic today out of sheer boredom and noticed an advertisement for a free 40g apple ipod. So out of sheer curiosity I decide to click the link and find out what it’s all about. Turns out, what I suspected was correct. Basically they sign you up for all kinds of bullshit spam mail and you have to complete no less than SIX offers that they send you in order to qualify for the free ipod. Basically you give them your name, address, phone numbers, email address, and other personal info and they send you email (and possibly regular mail) offers from various places like AOL, Columbia House, Doubleday Book Club, Stamps.com, Ancestry.com and the like. Well, the problem is that most of those are pay services that they’re making you sign up for. So of course your ipod isn’t really free. It amounts to whatever you have to spend to meet the “offers” they send you. Obviously that’s going to cost you less than $400 that you’d spend on the ipod, but all the fucking spam you’ll end up with wouldn’t be worth the headache in my book. You can opt out of their program, which will stop the spam from THEM, but what about all the other stupid bullshit companies that they’ve already given your info to? You have to opt out of each of their “programs” individually. Talk about a lot of hassle just to get a stupid ipod. No thanks… Oh, even worse… they even say in the terms & conditions that they’re free to substitute the product with one of similar function, including one that is either used or refurbished, substitute it with something of similar VALUE (not even necessarily the same function), or just cut you a check for the value of the product. Like I said, too much hassle… and I’m sure that most of the other “free ipod” offers are similar to this one.

Here’s the link to the “free ipod” offer.