The Cynic Says……

I’m bored so I feel like posting a few jokes I find rather amusing. If you get offended, tough shit.

Best Girlfriend ever!

Bruce is driving over a Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.Bruce slams on the brakes and yells “Sheila, what the hell d’ya think you’re doing?”

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, “Farewell Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I’m gonna kill myself.”
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
He says “Sheila….. Not only are you a great shag but you’re a real sport too.”
And drives off.

Drunkenness!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
CinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you’re not really my type
Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.

Hilarious Blonde Joke

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

1- The bartender is a blonde girl.

2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3- I’m a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah. Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.

Q: What’s blue and doesn’t fit?
A: A dead epileptic!

Q: What did the the hotdog vendor at the bottom of the WTC say?
A)Who ordered the 2 jumbo’s?

Q: Why did Hitler cry when he got to heaven?
A: God gave him his gas bill.

Q: What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?
A: Santa Claus goes down the chimney.

Q: What’s the worst thing about screwing a 3 year old?
A: Getting blood on your clown suit.

Monkeys are stupid

A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it.while he`s sitting at the bar,his monkey is out of control.It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.The landlord runs up to the man and says,”Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?”
“No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?” says the man.
“He just ate the cue ball!” shouts the landlord.
“I hope it kills the stupid bastard,” says the man.
About two weeks later,the man comes backto the pub with his monkey.while he`s drinking at the bar,his monkey is agaian out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar,picks it upsticks it up his arse,and then eats it.
The landlord,having seen this,asks the man:”Did you see what your sick monkey just did?”
“No”,says the man.
“He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it,” the landlord tells him.
“Well,what do you expect?”asks the man.”Since that pool ball he measures everything first!”

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
A: Acne waits until you’re 13 to come on your face.